On being me… being real.. and letting go……..

December 6, 2008

I had a conversation tonight with a dear friend of mine. I was feeling crappy…. feeling sad and wallowing in it…. feeling as tho the decisions I made were wrong and yet the only ones to be made.
it sucked.
Let me back up… Moving to Utah was huge.
Not in the huge we are going to get a new house huge… a new address a new drivers license……..no…

think…
I am leaving my son.. and taking a gamble that we will ever get him back.

Huge.

long long story short…..
in California he is old enough to choose.

he lives there now.
There with his dad and his latest love and well…. there.

it breaks my heart daily. hourly even.
the balance I cannot gain… cherish what I have and yet feel loss for what I dont.
balance.
im not there yet i suppose……….
“you have a beautiful family”

yes.
but
i miss my son.
my baby.
the one who i couldnt pry from my side…
yes him.

i call him and want to tell him he broke my heart and I cant… I beg Jerid to move back to California and he says ok baby we can… and yet I know that that wouldnt fix it….
broken is broken is broken……..
my divorce from his dad sealed that deal….
divorce makes people change… its funny that way.
i want to be angry.. and most days I am…..
we moved here and left everything I ever knew to help a family that we will never fit into…
a box i dont want to reside in….
trust me………………..i tried.
i let myself wonder what it would be like if we had never left California.. if he were still mine… if I were still his. the whole deal……
I know if we had stayed that we would have never had Savanah and McCall…
but is that enough?
if I didnt have them I wouldnt know that I was missing them right?

following me?

I tried to take photos for our Christmas card today… and wondered which one I would use of Mason…. I thought of him in California at his play that I wont see…
I tried not to cry.
...think of summer….think of summer…think of summer…..
right………and the snow hasnt even fell yet.

Austyn wanted nothing to do with a good photo….. i got this….
Her rooster look………..
Photobucket
Catch me……..if you can…………..
Photobucket
it was this big mom……………
Photobucket
yep you are the best…………………..thumbs up!!!!!!!!!!!!Photobucket
I begged.
Really I did……….
Honey… just one photo……
please…….

please?????????????????
Photobucket
I guess i didnt impress her……………….
Photobucket

she promptly bounced away………..
Photobucket
what is a mom to do?
I zeroed in on the nonmoving subject I figured he was safe right????????????
Photobucket
Photobucket
Photobucket
Photobucket
Photobucket
Seriously…. this kid is cute…… Im sure his extended family here just wants to eat him up…..I try to discern the fact that all of my kids are my familys kids…….they are all mine…but wait…
wow.
life is so different these days i suppose… mine is yours and yours is mine… but wait………
is it really?
So much to think about……….. so many things to give and take……. so many regrets…unspoken goodbyes…
Jerid says I should quit drawing lines…………..

I didnt draw them… I just see them.

Most days… I just wish I were Hank.
Photobucket

Corina Kate: Have you ever wondered what Hank thinks of all this nonsense we call life? With all those crazy kids running around, he must have so much to say...

Keep your chin up Kell, you've got lots of people who love you and there's even a few who are over 3 feet tall. :)

I can't wait to see you at Christmas! I miss you like crazy. I vote you put the kabosh on Utah and California and move to Idaho! Sound like a plan? Ok, deal.

xoxo

Sharna Wilkerson: Been following your blog for quite some time now. Am always inspired by your REAL perspective on life in addition to your amazing images. I just wanted to tell you that I love you new blog header. It's amazing.

Tanya Bennett: Oh to be Hank! I made a decision today to make the next 30+ years count more than the first 30. I wish the magic eight ball could really tell me what to do. Sorry you are having to make these kind of decisions - not fun. I wish you the best and will talk to you soon.

Alicia: I want you to come sit in my living room, so I can hold SM and I want to make him laugh, and we'll solve all these problems...xo

ps..you don't want to be Hank... he licks himself:)

Melz Spot in the Sun: .Kelly, how do you do it? You make me think (which hurts my brain! ha ha), you make me cry, then laugh my guts out watching Austyn's funny personality shine through, and then ooh & awww... over Sam McCall's sweetness & then sum it all up with a proclamation of jealousy over Hank?! Oh Honey, you wear me out doing that! LOL Just Kidding of course!

I'll tell you this, I, for one, am REALLY glad you are here in Mayberry! I had so much fun with you yesterday & look forward to doing it again soon. You are honestly, a breath of fresh air and I'm so grateful to you!

((((HUGS))))
~Melanie

Melz Spot: .Kelly, how do you do it? You make me think (which hurts my brain! ha ha), you make me cry, then laugh my guts out watching Austyn's funny personality shine through, and then ooh & awww... over Sam McCall's sweetness & then sum it all up with a proclamation of jealousy over Hank?! Oh Honey, you wear me out doing that! LOL Just Kidding of course!

I'll tell you this, I, for one, am REALLY glad you are here in Mayberry! I had so much fun with you yesterday & look forward to doing it again soon. You are honestly, a breath of fresh air and I'm so grateful to you!

((((HUGS))))
~Melanie

Sharna Wilkerson: Kelly,
Thanks for your reply on my blog. My email is sharnaw@hotmail.com. I can't figure much out on my blog either!!!! I have so many questions about how and what you do but can read about how busy you are and don't want to add one more thing to your schedule. I love your work. I think it's amazing. Would like to know if you use actions or how you get your vintage colors though. They are amazing. Thank you for being you. Such an inspiration.
Sharna

Kara May: Kelly - wow - you brought tears to my eyes. I'm sure soooo many people can relate and it's healing for them to know they aren't alone with feelings like these. Your children are precious and I pray you have a great holiday and that things work themselves out. Hang in there. I love your work!!