Beautiful girl you are growing up way too fast… I am so proud of you… you are becoming such an amazing young woman!!!

The last four months have been a whirlwind…. I’ve logged many many miles… I have learned, I have cried.. I have been worried, I have been excited.. I have missed many.  But, I have grown.  I have spent a lot of time thinking, a lot of time.  I have driven from the desert to the pine trees and back and back again.  I have half-laughed at the cost of diesel in California and I have wondered about the happenings in Metropolis.  I have wished for kareoke night with friends and barn trips and 90 per.  But I have a new vocabulary now… which includes yiddie mama, oobie woobie boobies and much much more.  I have listened to stories that I didn’t know, and made memories I hope to cherish for always.

Did I mention how much I missed them??

The days and months pass… the moments fly….

cherish them.  I know I am trying to.

xo

“One day at a time–this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering.” Robert Brault

Live in the present, I forget that on almost a moment to moment basis… I find myself overthinking.. overworrying…overwelleverything.  I find myself fearing so much of what I can’t control and forgetting to give time and thought to the things I can.  I am trying to remind myself that there is beauty all around me and sometimes I just have to look a little further and stop trying quite so hard.

I am so thankful for all the little things… and I am especially thankful for this smile…..

beautiful faces that I am counting down the days to see……. I hope to get smothered by loves and hugs and “I wants” and “no”.  I hope to enjoy, savor even every single second with them and never forget just how much I have been missing them.  I hope that the distance and time has made the love I have for them grow….altho Im not sure that is possible…..

I am looking so forward to the chaos…MY chaos…..

and counting the seconds till I see their little faces…..

i love them so…

(billy joel)

 

In every heart there is a room 
A sanctuary safe and strong 
To heal the wounds from lovers past 
Until a new one comes along 

I spoke to you in cautious tones 
You answered me with no pretense 
And still I feel I said too much 
My silence is my self defense 

And every time I’ve held a rose 
It seems I only felt the thorns 
And so it goes, and so it goes 
And so will you soon I suppose 

But if my silence made you leave 
Then that would be my worst mistake 
So I will share this room with you 
And you can have this heart to break 

And this is why my eyes are closed 
It’s just as well for all I’ve seen 
And so it goes, and so it goes 
And you’re the only one who knows 

So I would choose to be with you 
That’s if the choice were mine to make 
But you can make decisions too 
And you can have this heart to break 

And so it goes, and so it goes 
And you’re the only one who knows. 

its the last song i sang to him… i remember 

in my 15 year old mind

thinking 
if i sang on tune

it may fix him.

of course we sat in their favorite motorhome and waited

for an answer

but got the ending.

i have spent so many hours, filing thru photographs

hiding from myself….

searching thru

paper form of memories

i never knew i had.

pictures

of times and things

long gone

waiting, sitting quietly

in perfect form

for their second coming.

and so I sift…..

in its most painstaking form….

rip off her name

and category it.

memories that happened before me

but formed me…..

her pregnant with the idea of me..

him as a hippie….

grandpa checking to see if I was ok….

all of it…

and then my smiling face

and the emergence of my children….

toe heads

looking and fearing like me…

one by one…

till many.

and i sit here still…..

sorting confused….

ordering medicine…

reading blood counts…

calling doctors….

 

trying to fix it…

understand it…

trying to make it all go so far away…..

and in its most pure form…

trying to understand that it is all a part….

each tiny little moment…

the scary

the happy

the amazing

the fear..

it all is….

even the memories on paper that i am missing….

tangible little moments

sent in the most sterile text message form…

that both create and

ultimately change

exactly who we are…..