I have always struggled with trying to keep my blog “professional” while still including photos and words about my family and such.  It is a personal struggle for me, that nagging question… echoing…. “really Kelly how much do they want to know?”  And Im not sure the answer to that… but I know that I am the person, the mom, the wife, the friend, the daughter, the granddaughter that I am today because of all of my experiences… both good and bad.  Experiences both joyful and scary.

And I am going to be honest… I am scared right now.

I have pretty much been out in California since the beginning of March.  The first six weeks with the kids, the last two weeks without.  I went home for about ten days squeezed in some much needed creativity (ie. sessions) and drove back.

And I sit here right now in my Meme’s silent house as she sleeps and I remember that I forgot what silence sounds like.

I miss the chatter….

and I forgot how scary cancer can be…..

I miss so many things, and my calendar is crazy (don’t worry I am scheduling Utah sessions the month of June) and most days.. I don’t even know what day it is.

But I know that I love her….and I know that right now I am right where I am supposed to be.

And one thing I won’t fear anymore is my words…. or the way that they come out…. 

even if it sounds jumbily or makes no sense to anyone but me.

because this is what it looks like right now… and scared or not…

it is.

 

the dogs clink their chains

at the end of the bed

and it comforts you,

and makes me crazy.

I lay with you

and a tear

slowly falls down my face

traces the lines of of me and then

plummets.

I watch you sleep

and want to shake you.

I want everyone to stop asking you if you are ok…

you are not.

We walk shaky like to the bathroom

and I think you are the baby bird

in “are you my mother”.

I want to pick you up..

I want to make you ok.

We cover you with more blankets than time

and it scares me.

We shuttle you to the poison

that will “fix” it and kill you

and i want a rewind.

I wake at night sweaty,

I hear her yelling my name.

My dream is still fresh in my mind

as I help you to bed..

I am wearing my black sheep costume

the one that is too small….

i am hiding in the corner, shaking and alone.

I am clutching 27 dollars in my hand

but feel so poor.

We watch old movies together

excessively loud

and you make up new words

that make us all laugh.

we sit hushed in hiding

and everyone talks way too much

about all that we fear,

and losing control.

Our words drop out of our mouths

in suffocating form

and we trade them around.

I sit in the backseat of your beloved

and wonder if you ever named her

and just how in the hell

we will get you into treatment today.

Mom drives

braver than she has ever been

wipes her tears

before they are visable

and tells me

this is all normal.

I want to corner your doctor

the one younger than my 34 years

i want to beg her

so many things

i want to have the conversations

that i play over and over in my head.

instead

i will just sit with you

buy a colander

rearrange the tupperware 33 times

rid the house of unseen lint.

i will take you for walks

push you up hills

i didn’t know i could climb.

i will listen to you

absorb each and every sound you make

and play you 8 tracks all night long.

i will let you call me Gordy and Bob

and cherish it even in my fear

i will make you chicken strips

and beg you

to please stay.

I feel very lucky to have been able to photograph this young man over the years…. I have no doubt that he will make his mark in the world wherever he may go.  Garrett I am so proud of you!!!