good post to follow I swear.. but for now……..

Merry Christmas…….
and may the new year bring you everything you need………..

thank you to my family……
and to my friends that have become family…
and to Februarys…….. many of them…
and to good coffee…..
and good wine……..
and good memories.
and to the promise of the future.
and for the forgetting of the past.

thank you.

Here is to 2009…………………………..

She never knew when I met her that she would change my life… neither did I. She lived under me in our tiny apartments in the part of town that was safe but affordable. She was amazing.
I looked up to her… I had no idea she was younger than I.
She was an amazing mom.. the kind I wanted to be.

We moved.. grew up.. grew apart.. kept having babies..
life continued…. continues.

I had the chance last week to see her again… our daughters are still best friends.. as are we. She is still amazing… life is still moving…
Em… the world is yours. It is at your door. It is knocking.

Open it. Answer it.

You are your childrens world. You are their moon and stars. Just as you were years ago. Some things never change.
I remember her.. Id go to her for help with dinner with diaper rashes… with love or the lack thereof… we would drive her crazy stationwagon with hides all over it to every thrift store in town…
we would laugh…
we would cry..
we would swap clothes and diapers when we needed them…
we would cry a lot.






She was the mom I always wanted to be… now I want her to learn to be that mom again… she can. She is amazing.


she just needs to remember… and to know…

We love you Em… we all do.
Look what we created………



the next crazy generation of us………….. we must teach them… grow them……… love them……..



Love yourself Em… find yourself. They need you. So do I. So does everyone else. We believe in you. You taught us that………
remember.
You deserve the moon and the stars……. and all that is inbetween………

trust.
love.
yourself and them.
we are here for you. We are all behind you. Here for you. Loving you.
We know your potential.

You my dear, are amazing.

What a beautiful family that braved the cold!!! I cant wait for you to see all of your photos!!!!

Its hard to believe that in just a little over a week she will be two. It was New Years Eve and I swore that I wasnt in labor… I had been having contractions pretty much for 7 weeks… I didnt think that that day was any different… I still had so many weeks left to go…
We drove to our hospital and I figured that we would be home by dark. We had things to do… fireworks to watch and a New Year to ring in… I had plans you know.
I was so sure that I wasnt in labor that I didnt even take a bag or a camera.. no phone lists of people to call, none of it.

Savanah-Grace had other plans. Not only was I in labor.. but very very active labor.. she was delivered by a very scary c-section early that night. She was teeny tiny and not quite ready to be born… she flew on her first airplane ride that night just a few minutes after the new year with her daddy to a NICU up north. It was a very scary time for all of us.



Since I had just had a c-section I was unable to be with her for two days. Her daddy never left her side. What a bond those two have…

When we brought her home she was tiny (under 4lbs) and sick. I remember watching her lay on the couch and wondering if she would be ok. I remember being very scared a lot.
Of all of our kids she is the one with the most spice… She is a fireball and most days makes me want to pull my hair out. She is curious and sweet… fiesty and loud. Man, she is really loud.

So before I get caught up in this last few days before Christmas I wanted to post these pictures of S…. my she is still bitty…but look how she has grown.

Noun….
1. A view or vista.
2. A mental view or outlook

“It is useful occasionally to look at the past to gain a perspective on the present” (Fabian Linden).

Perspective.. what a wonderful thing. I was driving to town yesterday thinking about the snow… about it being beautiful and a pain all at once… I was thinking about how long it just took me to get three under three bundled, wrapped, shoes & hats on and then out to the car in the snow.. its tiring… but the water… we need the water.. we get that from the snow… so its a small price to pay right? We need this season and all that it brings so that we can enjoy the next one. Spring will be all the more beautiful the more snow that we get…

It was amazing at how much I could relate that to life… Honestly I think we have to take the good, the bad, the evil.. to enjoy and to be able to see the beauty around us. Its that balance, to know sorrow so that we may enjoy happiness.

We all have so much and it is easy to be distracted… to forget..
I am trying to retrain my eyes, my heart, my soul… to see the beauty even when that is not how it appears…

to view the world beyond just the black and white…. maybe to help others view it the same..
perspective right?

really……
quilt something beautiful. embroider it….

i dont want to be here and do this today. really i dont.

my hands look old as i type and it scares me.
my tears run down my hands and fall into the dry cracks and it hurts.
i told him i was done today.
done with the whole charade……
i was angry and he just didnt understand… didnt understand who i was and how i got here.. and how we got here…
and neither did i.
we went round and round and round again…….all back to the pretty little box that life just doesn’t quite fit into. somedays the wrapping fits, but just not quite the bow.

its a vicious circle. a vicious cycle.

its scary to want out and yet not know where to go… its scary to know you need to stay. we are not children anymore him and i… we have lots of them.. but children we are not. our decisions are permanent. binding. complete.

it scares me. we say things in anger that cut to the quick.. words that we cant ever take back and yet we say them.. loudly even.

i want to run and know, that this is where i would run to. How in heck do you explain that?
as a child,
My mom use to vaccuum…………..constantly………..
She was desperately clinging to making a clean healthy home.
900 square feet.
she vacuumed.
cleaned and cleaned and cleaned and cleaned…………………………………………….
and then she stopped. one day she stopped. unplugged the vaccuum and…
.. played with us
my brother and I.
she sat on the floor.
and played.
for 15 years……on the floor playing with us.
She swears, the best 15 years of her life.
She says she had to gain perspective.
she did.
She had to figure it out.
and she did.
She wrote in her journal.
she was our mom.
She loved being our mom.
She would not trade those years for anything.
my mom is an optimist.


i wish i were more like her.

Again Today : (Brandi Carlile)

Broken sticks and broken stones
Will turn to dust just like our bones
It’s words that hurt the most now isn’t it
Are you sad inside, are you home alone
If I could just pick up the phone
Maybe you could see a better day
And you won’t waste away
under my watchful eye
Because I’m your hero and you’re my weakness

Who’s gonna break my fall
When the spinning starts
The colors bleed together and fade
Was it ever there at all
Or have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today

I’m broken down, not good enough
The broken promises add up
To twice their weight in tears which I have caused

I’m afraid to sink, I’m afraid to swim
I’m sad to say I miss my friends
I know that I’m supposed to step away
But they need me to stay and keep a watchful eye
On all my heroes and all their demons

But who’s gonna break my fall
When the spinning starts
The colors bleed together and fade
Was it ever there at all
Or have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again
Not today
Not today

Was it ever there at all
And have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today

Broken sticks and broken stones
Will turn to dust just like our bones again today
I’m broken down
Not good enough
The broken promises add up again today

Was it ever there at all
And have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today
Again today

im not sure why it seems so hard some days.. and why other days it just seems like life.

i am angry and wish to take back a long long drive on a friday night a long long time ago. take back a last name and mayberry. take back promises that i am having to live up to.

growing up huh? life… lines…..
this is all so much harder than I had imagined.

Was it ever there at all
And have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today
Again today

What a doll and such a fun session…. Can you just stand his eyes?

and I LOVE this one……….

found this today…
Help me Lord, to make a true use of all disappointments and calamities in this life, in such a way that they may unite my heart more closely with you. Cause them to separate my affections from worldly things and inspire my soul with more vigor in the pursuit of true happiness. Susanna Wesley…..

I have been for some time trying to find good in the bad…. to find thankfulness in my sorrow.. this quote hit it right on the head…

I have so much.
So so many things to be thankful for and to be happy about…. they are all around me…. I need to stop all of the questioning…
my dear friend told me… look at the bad, the ugly and find the good in it……be thankful Kell……………really………

I thought………ok what?
look at the bad and find the good….

huh????

and then it hit me….
i was talking to another friend who was at my house this week.. and I told her… yes.. moving here was hard but Makenna is so much more here…. she is who she was supposed to become here…
and…
my relationship with my mom is so much more now…
we had to walk this walk together..
find each other again..
respect each other as mothers again…
its been a bumpy walk… but worth it I told her…
she is again..
my best friend.
i didnt have that in California.
So yes, I am thankful….

I wish my parents were here.. closer… driving distance… dinner distance, I miss them like crazy…. but I am thankful.

I try to think of pretty words to say about missing Mason… words that will make it ok but I dont quite have them yet… I accept that.. and am thankful for knowing that..
its a work in progress….
a moment at a time…
im ok with that……..
i am,
or I am trying to be.
(honest right?)

I am thankful to have a husband who quilts with me, sews all my pieces together… matches socks and teases me with MY bandana on…..does the dishes without tooo tooooo much begging and overall is the most amazing man I have ever met (ok up there with my dad, brother and Bumpa)… he is someone who’s word means more to me than anything… a man who understands me.. understands my reason for McCall… for my phone addiction and for wanting salt EVERY night at 10pm………
he loves me.
I tried to disect it many MANY times…….
i did……
why?
how?

but he loves me……..
i stopped questioning….

he may kill me for posting that photo…. but he will still love me

I am thankful that as spicy as she is that she didnt kill the cat

I am so thankful that I have the kind of relationship with my daughter that I had with my mom………. she is so dear to me and I honestly couldnt do it without her..
and no matter how big they get……
they still look like angels when they sleep………

ok and she is just cute………

We spent the whole entire day today cleaning so that tomorrow we can sew……… Jerid taught Hank a new trick.. he says BABY… and Hank gets up next to McCall wherever he is and lays there to protect him (you know from rolling off the couch) it is pretty dang cute!!!!!!

life is hard… I will give you that.. it is.
But it is also a journey… we have to own it…
enjoy the path…..the bends, the curves, the rocks in the road.
the getting lost……the inability to find our way……
part of it… it is.

we have to enjoy the journey………

and in the end, i want to look back with fond memories………… that was the day we………………………….
even if the what we did was socks right?

he looks like one of the wise men to me…………..

i wish I could pick his brain

am tossing up the idea of making this my business blog and then creating another blog where I can keep writing and posting my personal photos..

so if you are interested on still reading “that” blog… please leave me a comment and I will make sure to include you on the list

much love and thanks
kell

ok rough title.. i know…
but sometimes the way I feel cant be described any other way…….

i was listening to brad paisley tonight…
the song….
find myself…..

When you find yourself
In some far off place,
And it causes you
To rethink some things.
You start to sense
That slowly you’re becoming someone else
And then you find yourself.

When you make new friends
In a brand new town,
And you start to think
About settling down,
The things that would have been lost on you
Are now clear as a bell.
And you find yourself
That’s when you find yourself.

When you go through life
So sure of where you’re heading,
And you wind up lost
And it’s the best thing that could happen.
‘Cause sometimes when you lose your way
It’s really just as well.
‘Cause you find yourself;
That when you find yourself.

When you meet the one
You’ve been waiting for,
And she’s everything
That you want and more,
You look at her
And you finally start
To live for someone else.
And then you find yourself;
That’s when you find yourself.

We go though life
So sure of where we’re heading,
And then we wind up lost
And it’s the best thing that could happen.
Sometimes when you lose your way
It’s really just as well.
Because you find yourself;
Yeah that’s when you find yourself.

Honestly.. this part

When you go through life
So sure of where you’re heading,
And you wind up lost
And it’s the best thing that could happen.
‘Cause sometimes when you lose your way
It’s really just as well.
‘Cause you find yourself;
That when you find yourself.

yep… ok God… I get it.

do you ever wonder if he is just laughing at us? At our trials and the way we handle them?
I wonder sometimes………

Proverbs 26:11

New American Standard Bible (©1995)
Like a dog that returns to its vomit Is a fool who repeats his folly.

Why is it that we as humans want to replay so many things? Why is it that we want to rehash… replay things over and over again… and then be ok with it….and yet go back for more?

I am Beyond so many things these days and yet am hurt still by so many…

i read their blogs…
i watch their work…
i worry for them..
i miss them..
i cry for them…

and they have hurt me most of all… but I go back.. time and time again and I have no one to blame but me.

Im working on it… I am….

the google reader is getting shorter and shorter……..day by day……blog by blog

right?

i am….
finding myself.

Some things are all in the way we view them………

she is adorable right?

step back and she is surrounded by laundry…………

eeeekkkkkkkkk…..

I am starting to understand…. to view it differently……sometimes that means black and white…..

life is so much like that… in the way that we view it.. in the colors we choose to see… in the songs we choose to hear…

we determine our paths.. we choose the page…..

Remember the choose your own adventure books when we were kids……… you’d read a page or two and then you had a choice.

pg 24 the princess gets to…………..
pg 49 the princess gets to…………..

i was a dork
i choose pg 24 finished the story and then went back to page 49 just to make sure that I had chosen the correct ending…….

if only life were as simple right?

my birthday present came from my best friend tonight……..

in the form of a beautiful new bible.

i am humbled..
i am in awe..
and I am forever thankful.

for the gift, and for her.

She is the one that I want to call when I am happy, when I am sad and when well…

when the world feels like dog barf.

i honestly cant thank her enough….

i just love her so.

God is good; life is hard. –Alistair Begg