I think the photos speak for themselves this time…… can you believe how amazingly beautiful these kids are?????

Sometimes you meet couples and their love and adoration for each other is palpable…  this couple fit that description to a T.  Jess and Dan, thank you so much for sharing your special…amazing… beautiful day with me…. I feel honored.  

The ever so talented Brooke Snow of Brooke Snow Photography is holding her first ever contest. Im so silly… I never enter in these but this one is one to win!!!! Brooke is another Utah photographer who’s work and talent I admire greatly….. (thanks Melz for pointing her out to me) So hop on over to her blog using one of the links above or the links in my sidebar and get ready for some serious eye candy!!!!!

ok pretend for a second that I am not a 30something mom of 5 (5…..how did that happen????) anyhow……… pretend I am not listening to cake on itunes with my cute cowboy hubby…..because I am a mom right………….
we dont talk about memories either…
or more tatoos……..because that would be wrong ………..right?
we dont talk about excess……….
we dont giggle about things we hope to God our children will never do…………… we are so beyond that……

um hum………..
and this is so not what I look like on a Sunday afternoon………nope not me…. I am perfectly coifed by then…. with pretty hair and a cute outfit.. and makeup that is so me……………….

yep.. you guessed it…… you got me….
see… I am, well we are just trying to get by like everyone else………. we are trying to be good and kind and in love and happy. And most days it works.
And the days that it doesnt…………well we just write it off… a miss.. a blip… a bump.
we all have them right?

Here is a peek at our weekend……..

and we tried to make cookies……………….yep…..

and we watched it snow…… and did lots of dishes.. and visited with our family that we haven’t seen in a long long time. we tried to remember that sometimes being right isnt quite as important as being there. we really really tried to smile. we held eachother so that the pieces wouldnt fall apart………..we held on to tomorrow…….
see we are a family.
and yes we may move soon…….but that will not change the one constant………….
i love him
and he loves me
and we love them…
and without him I would be lost…..
funny how simple that sounds and yet how complicated it really is………….

I had a conversation tonight with a dear friend of mine. I was feeling crappy…. feeling sad and wallowing in it…. feeling as tho the decisions I made were wrong and yet the only ones to be made.
it sucked.
Let me back up… Moving to Utah was huge.
Not in the huge we are going to get a new house huge… a new address a new drivers license……..no…

think…
I am leaving my son.. and taking a gamble that we will ever get him back.

Huge.

long long story short…..
in California he is old enough to choose.

he lives there now.
There with his dad and his latest love and well…. there.

it breaks my heart daily. hourly even.
the balance I cannot gain… cherish what I have and yet feel loss for what I dont.
balance.
im not there yet i suppose……….
“you have a beautiful family”

yes.
but
i miss my son.
my baby.
the one who i couldnt pry from my side…
yes him.

i call him and want to tell him he broke my heart and I cant… I beg Jerid to move back to California and he says ok baby we can… and yet I know that that wouldnt fix it….
broken is broken is broken……..
my divorce from his dad sealed that deal….
divorce makes people change… its funny that way.
i want to be angry.. and most days I am…..
we moved here and left everything I ever knew to help a family that we will never fit into…
a box i dont want to reside in….
trust me………………..i tried.
i let myself wonder what it would be like if we had never left California.. if he were still mine… if I were still his. the whole deal……
I know if we had stayed that we would have never had Savanah and McCall…
but is that enough?
if I didnt have them I wouldnt know that I was missing them right?

following me?

I tried to take photos for our Christmas card today… and wondered which one I would use of Mason…. I thought of him in California at his play that I wont see…
I tried not to cry.
...think of summer….think of summer…think of summer…..
right………and the snow hasnt even fell yet.

Austyn wanted nothing to do with a good photo….. i got this….
Her rooster look………..

Catch me……..if you can…………..

it was this big mom……………

yep you are the best…………………..thumbs up!!!!!!!!!!!!
I begged.
Really I did……….
Honey… just one photo……
please…….

please?????????????????

I guess i didnt impress her……………….

she promptly bounced away………..

what is a mom to do?
I zeroed in on the nonmoving subject I figured he was safe right????????????





Seriously…. this kid is cute…… Im sure his extended family here just wants to eat him up…..I try to discern the fact that all of my kids are my familys kids…….they are all mine…but wait…
wow.
life is so different these days i suppose… mine is yours and yours is mine… but wait………
is it really?
So much to think about……….. so many things to give and take……. so many regrets…unspoken goodbyes…
Jerid says I should quit drawing lines…………..

I didnt draw them… I just see them.

Most days… I just wish I were Hank.