I had a conversation tonight with a dear friend of mine. I was feeling crappy…. feeling sad and wallowing in it…. feeling as tho the decisions I made were wrong and yet the only ones to be made.
it sucked.
Let me back up… Moving to Utah was huge.
Not in the huge we are going to get a new house huge… a new address a new drivers license……..no…

think…
I am leaving my son.. and taking a gamble that we will ever get him back.

Huge.

long long story short…..
in California he is old enough to choose.

he lives there now.
There with his dad and his latest love and well…. there.

it breaks my heart daily. hourly even.
the balance I cannot gain… cherish what I have and yet feel loss for what I dont.
balance.
im not there yet i suppose……….
“you have a beautiful family”

yes.
but
i miss my son.
my baby.
the one who i couldnt pry from my side…
yes him.

i call him and want to tell him he broke my heart and I cant… I beg Jerid to move back to California and he says ok baby we can… and yet I know that that wouldnt fix it….
broken is broken is broken……..
my divorce from his dad sealed that deal….
divorce makes people change… its funny that way.
i want to be angry.. and most days I am…..
we moved here and left everything I ever knew to help a family that we will never fit into…
a box i dont want to reside in….
trust me………………..i tried.
i let myself wonder what it would be like if we had never left California.. if he were still mine… if I were still his. the whole deal……
I know if we had stayed that we would have never had Savanah and McCall…
but is that enough?
if I didnt have them I wouldnt know that I was missing them right?

following me?

I tried to take photos for our Christmas card today… and wondered which one I would use of Mason…. I thought of him in California at his play that I wont see…
I tried not to cry.
...think of summer….think of summer…think of summer…..
right………and the snow hasnt even fell yet.

Austyn wanted nothing to do with a good photo….. i got this….
Her rooster look………..

Catch me……..if you can…………..

it was this big mom……………

yep you are the best…………………..thumbs up!!!!!!!!!!!!
I begged.
Really I did……….
Honey… just one photo……
please…….

please?????????????????

I guess i didnt impress her……………….

she promptly bounced away………..

what is a mom to do?
I zeroed in on the nonmoving subject I figured he was safe right????????????





Seriously…. this kid is cute…… Im sure his extended family here just wants to eat him up…..I try to discern the fact that all of my kids are my familys kids…….they are all mine…but wait…
wow.
life is so different these days i suppose… mine is yours and yours is mine… but wait………
is it really?
So much to think about……….. so many things to give and take……. so many regrets…unspoken goodbyes…
Jerid says I should quit drawing lines…………..

I didnt draw them… I just see them.

Most days… I just wish I were Hank.

I might have been a singer
Who sailed around the world

A gambler who wins milions
And spent it all on girls

I might have been a poet
Who walked upon the moon

A scientist
Who would tell the world
I discovered something new

I might have loved a king
Been the one to end a war

A criminal
Who drinks champagne
And never
Could be caught

But among your books
Among your clothes
Among the noise
And fuss
I’ve let it go

I can’t stop
And catch my breath
And look no further
For happiness
And I will not
Turn again
Cause my heart
Has found it’s home

Everyone
I’ll never meet
And the friends
I wont now make
The adventures
That they
Could have been
And the risks
I’ll never take

But among your books
Among your clothes
Among your noise
And fuss
I’ve let it go

I can’t stop
And catch my breath
And look no further
For happiness
And I will not
Turn again
Cause my heart
Has found it’s home

Dido…”look no further”

I relate to music… to the sound… to the words…….
the words…

I read them to Jerid.. to Makenna… to Mom…. to Lish… to anyone who will listen….
I read them again……..

quiz them… do you get it I say? really do you?
Jerid told me memories are personal… they are.
but I am a girl….. I want to share them… discuss them, disect them…… pull them apart into itty bitty pieces and then glue them back together all pretty…
you know, decopauge them…..with buttons and such….

right.

I sit here and giggle now.

Could have been and should have beens and would have beens……………………….

the past, that fortells the future. The decisions that we made that change it… the turns we took that are part of the path.

There are some things that I am learning that I must let go.
Crazy things that will mean nothing to anyone but me.

I hated sunflowers.
Im sorry I lied.
The black dress was too tight.
I knew it was over.
I didnt want to be there.
I only called you to hurt her.
I wish you had never come.
I hated Ty because I was jealous..
I didnt know you could love us both.
I knew I didnt deserve you.
I was scared.
She made me more than a mom.
My choices were poor.
When I left with him… you werent the only one to cry.
Ive missed you.
Thank you for keeping them. thank you mom.
Im glad you have never held her..
holding me was damage enough.
baggage.
the lines were thin, blurred.
fences crossed.
im sorry I couldnt fix you.
your brain cancer made me face my mortality.
you leaving made me face the truth.
i may never go to Tahoe again.
or eat spaghetti the same.
I am more without you.
I shouldnt miss you.. I should thank you.
i may never.

I am learning to accept the I may never’s……….. most days I am overwhelmed by the …. omygoodness SHE DIDNT!!!!!!!!!!

Savanah brushed Shreks teeth this morning………with MY toothbrush!!!!! I asked her why she didnt use hers………she said…..
Shrek likes YOURS!
for you Lish………..




They spilt nuts all over yesterday………. I was pretty mad……….. Austyn started singing… we are the Wonder Pets…….. and we are doing T E A M W O R K………….
teamwork mom………………
I wanted to yell………….give me the dang broom.
let me clean it.
but I let them continue………..it was pretty cute.
Today we spent the day………..well doing the same dang thing…………
Savanah tried to balance her baby on McCall’s head……..


then he got a phonecall………

then a little smothering……

arent sisters great???????????????

We have a budding artist on our hands…………….. Austyns photo of McCall……. with his little legs(yeggs)

Her photo of Yisha and Dan Bennett

so the road is long and I feel like I am traveling in circles………..I am trying to own it.. to not regret…… I am.
To be thankful even in adversity……
bear with me…
its windy.