The last four months have been a whirlwind…. I’ve logged many many miles… I have learned, I have cried.. I have been worried, I have been excited.. I have missed many.  But, I have grown.  I have spent a lot of time thinking, a lot of time.  I have driven from the desert to the pine trees and back and back again.  I have half-laughed at the cost of diesel in California and I have wondered about the happenings in Metropolis.  I have wished for kareoke night with friends and barn trips and 90 per.  But I have a new vocabulary now… which includes yiddie mama, oobie woobie boobies and much much more.  I have listened to stories that I didn’t know, and made memories I hope to cherish for always.

Did I mention how much I missed them??

The days and months pass… the moments fly….

cherish them.  I know I am trying to.

xo

“One day at a time–this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering.” Robert Brault

Live in the present, I forget that on almost a moment to moment basis… I find myself overthinking.. overworrying…overwelleverything.  I find myself fearing so much of what I can’t control and forgetting to give time and thought to the things I can.  I am trying to remind myself that there is beauty all around me and sometimes I just have to look a little further and stop trying quite so hard.

I am so thankful for all the little things… and I am especially thankful for this smile…..

We are home now and the car is well, mostly unpacked. The presents are piled up waiting for me to find them a home and the laundry is mountainous… my desk in an overflow of papers and pens.. bills and cards. We had a blast in California… it was quick but fun. We tried to squeeze as much as possible into every moment.. We came home just in time for New Years Eve which we celebrated with friends and family and some amazing fireworks!!! Winter seems to be settling in here in metropolis and I am missing the warm California sunshine. It was beautiful out there!!! So here is the big overload of my family from California… so that I can move on to a holiday photography sale and some sneak peeks for some amazing families!!!!!

ok I dont want to share this one but if I dont my Meme may kill me

Mason & Savanah

Makenna & McCall

Mason & Austyn

Makenna & Corina

me and Bee

J cooking some yummy dinner

And how cute is this….. this is the swing in the park in California where all the kids have taken their first swing…. I just love these

Here’s to 2009 and to all the joy we can all stand!!!!!!

I remember when we moved here. Its burned in my brain, seared… imbedded. Every mile, every tear… every moment. I cant let it go. We drove out of California in the biggest snowstorm they had seen in a century…. inched our way over the pass….. white knuckled it to Carson City… our babies in the car, me gripping my moms hand…. our belongings right behind us. It was a long long trip. I wanted to turn around… pretend that I had forgot something big..
Our house was empty.. the floors had been scrubbed. The memories we had made there, the garden we tended.. the baby we brought home.. well… they would have to be memories…
we drove over the pass and I missed my porch.. I missed my friends….. I missed the seperation I knew we would never have again.

We pulled up to the house we live in now and I looked at my mom and I just cried. I didnt want this. Not now, not ever. I knew what this meant. I knew what living here meant… I knew what I would lose to live here…
But we were a family and we thought this was best…

I cried a lot.

A lot.

And I felt very alone.

We ripped up carpet that was older than me… we painted walls that I wish could tell stories. We moved furniture around… hung curtains.

I cried some more.

It sucked. I tried to be positive… think of the best… Make yummy dinners.. you know, try to be a good mom.. the whole thing.
I tried to make friends.
Smile, even when I felt like the odd man out.

I will be honest. I still want to go home. I miss my mom.. I miss my dad. Above all I miss my son. I miss being able to drive over to my parents house if I need them.. that is something I may never accept. I guess really there are lots of things.
We moved here and his hours were long and my tears were many… and I hid a lot. It was easier. It was safe.

But I love him.

And so we are here.

There are things about this new life that I do love… our homes old wood floors… the no stop light town… the little things… metropolis right?

the fact that this is the place that makes him happier than anywhere else in the world… that matters. The fact that we get close to this valley and I can see him relax.. see him smile. That is enough right?

I went to get my Utah drivers license yesterday… it was funny. When I think DMV… I think California DMV…. you know long lines…drama… headaches, people yelling.. kids screaming…

not the case here.

think…. card tables in the back of the library… $25.00 and an open book test and you too will have a Utah drivers license.

But dang it… I didnt want to give this up… not the weight on it.. or the sun tan.. or the address… but hello………its been nearly 3 years……

I think it was a big part of letting go.

You know, that and adding about 29 pounds to my weight… I mean we can bend that truth.. but hello…. what was on there before was a far far stretch…….

like a cut my left leg and o maybe my right arm off too stretch……….

funny.

So I took my test.. and passed and then gave my drivers license from Cali up. A right of passage.. yes…
a step.
yes.
regrets…
sure.
I think about it.

I drove home in Jerids truck with the dog in the back and giggled. The dash held a fishing pole, a binky, a coffee cup.. the floor held a rifle… one of the girls jackets.. some kid shoes.. what a mixture….

I caught my breath… and looked around. This was my happy.. this is my home. All of it. And dang it, I will own it. I will.

I came home to kids dirty in the yard.. to half strung Christmas lights… to chaos… that was my own… I came HOME




Another step…. another piece……..just more right?

its good to find me…. even if I took the long way around. Its good to be home.
its funny….
i have learned to let go..
my heart has found its home.