Its a little known wierd fact about Jerid and I……. sometimes he looks at me and just says jello. I know… you are thinking what? I must admit for the longest time I thought he was talking about my belly.. you know the jiggly part post 5 babies…. I would smile when he would say it… then feel hurt and then wonder just what on earth he was talking about… it was a vicious strange circle… and he kept saying it…

and I kept wondering why…..

He kept telling me… Kelly you know… think about it figure it out…

jello.
whatever Jerid…..

I finally figured it out tonight……one of my favorite movies is My Best Friends Wedding… if you’ve seen it you will remember the conversation between Kimmy and Julianne….

“He doesn’t want crème brûlée, he wants something else. … He wants Jell-O… Jell-O makes him comfortable.”
“I could be Jell-O.”
“No, crème brûlée could never be Jell-O.”

I am his Jello…. I am his comfortable… I am his safe. And as much as I would maybe like somedays to be crème brûlée I love nothing more than being his jello…………….

Austyn and Savanah dressed themselves this weekend……what a riot…..

We are still working like crazy on the house…. and its funny… the more we work on it the more I love it… Its one of those things…. it may not look like much from the outside looking in but from the inside looking out we are gaining on it. We are putting love in to each and every crooked wall that we work on and we are doing it together… And I would rather that any day over the perfect little house that is empty inside.

that and of course……
jello.

4 years……….. 4 long short years. Time that we have borrowed and sold.. time that we have forgotten and begged for. Time. It was him… he started it all.. lets blame him.. lets thank him….

Its funny how you can be so sure of your place in the world and so wrong all at once. So satisfied and yet so alone. I dont tell him enough but he should know…
you completed me……
you won me …
you hung the moon…
you were right…
yes you tricked me into saying it….
but i meant it then and i still mean it now.

i love you.
and thank you.

you.. silly silly you… the best dad I could ever ask for… you are amazing and you make me giggle and you make me thankful….. so happy happy day J……..

Ive been busy busy here lately…. working on my quilt for YCMT I think I am making more of a mess than a quilt but here is my progress…………

and I am working on a One Word project thru Shutter Sisters and I have chosen the word “Cusp” here are some of my recent entries…

Austyn has been busy with tumbling which she loves….. and Savanah has been looking for two of the same shoes ………….

More of Miss A……….

getting ready for her class and telling Hank a story…………

Miss Bee & her cousin………

Mason is busy with a play in California that we hope to see in April and he will be here next month we cant wait…. his little brother sure misses him…..
he is spending his time teething……..

practicing being a cowboy…………..

and trying to escape………..

I think I am caught up…………maybe……….

you remember the song right? this land is your land this land is my land…………………………………

its hit home.
in a wierd.. uncomfortable manner. And I am saddened by it. I took photos on Sunday and they feel funny… fuzzy…. grey.

and it has to be said but I am not sure how to say it.

Do you see this?

Your actions are taking this.. this look… this love. his love.
And I am sorry… but not as sorry as I know one day you will be.

are you sad? are you sorry?

He is amazing.. and not in the little boy who can be controlled amazing. He is so much more. He is a man to be proud of ….who loves his family and protects his kids and his wife. He is amazing. Im sorry you feel unrequited………..I am…. this is not what was supposed to be.
honest
it isnt.

i take his photos and i see you…….. and it hurts because he does…. and i want you to call and say you are sorry……and you dont.

so may you enjoy him… enjoy us.. through these pages…. through these words.. these photos. May you peek into our world if only for only a moment.

we could have had so much more.

if only.

found this today…
Help me Lord, to make a true use of all disappointments and calamities in this life, in such a way that they may unite my heart more closely with you. Cause them to separate my affections from worldly things and inspire my soul with more vigor in the pursuit of true happiness. Susanna Wesley…..

I have been for some time trying to find good in the bad…. to find thankfulness in my sorrow.. this quote hit it right on the head…

I have so much.
So so many things to be thankful for and to be happy about…. they are all around me…. I need to stop all of the questioning…
my dear friend told me… look at the bad, the ugly and find the good in it……be thankful Kell……………really………

I thought………ok what?
look at the bad and find the good….

huh????

and then it hit me….
i was talking to another friend who was at my house this week.. and I told her… yes.. moving here was hard but Makenna is so much more here…. she is who she was supposed to become here…
and…
my relationship with my mom is so much more now…
we had to walk this walk together..
find each other again..
respect each other as mothers again…
its been a bumpy walk… but worth it I told her…
she is again..
my best friend.
i didnt have that in California.
So yes, I am thankful….

I wish my parents were here.. closer… driving distance… dinner distance, I miss them like crazy…. but I am thankful.

I try to think of pretty words to say about missing Mason… words that will make it ok but I dont quite have them yet… I accept that.. and am thankful for knowing that..
its a work in progress….
a moment at a time…
im ok with that……..
i am,
or I am trying to be.
(honest right?)

I am thankful to have a husband who quilts with me, sews all my pieces together… matches socks and teases me with MY bandana on…..does the dishes without tooo tooooo much begging and overall is the most amazing man I have ever met (ok up there with my dad, brother and Bumpa)… he is someone who’s word means more to me than anything… a man who understands me.. understands my reason for McCall… for my phone addiction and for wanting salt EVERY night at 10pm………
he loves me.
I tried to disect it many MANY times…….
i did……
why?
how?

but he loves me……..
i stopped questioning….

he may kill me for posting that photo…. but he will still love me

I am thankful that as spicy as she is that she didnt kill the cat

I am so thankful that I have the kind of relationship with my daughter that I had with my mom………. she is so dear to me and I honestly couldnt do it without her..
and no matter how big they get……
they still look like angels when they sleep………

ok and she is just cute………

We spent the whole entire day today cleaning so that tomorrow we can sew……… Jerid taught Hank a new trick.. he says BABY… and Hank gets up next to McCall wherever he is and lays there to protect him (you know from rolling off the couch) it is pretty dang cute!!!!!!

life is hard… I will give you that.. it is.
But it is also a journey… we have to own it…
enjoy the path…..the bends, the curves, the rocks in the road.
the getting lost……the inability to find our way……
part of it… it is.

we have to enjoy the journey………

and in the end, i want to look back with fond memories………… that was the day we………………………….
even if the what we did was socks right?

he looks like one of the wise men to me…………..

i wish I could pick his brain

I feel lucky to have him.. I do. I dont know which stars aligned or who was in charge… (ok I do) but you know… I dont know why I deserve him…
Most days…. he keeps me sane… and as I write this at 10:52 pm he is entertaining the girls who are up WAY TOO LATE… and eating the cheese toasts I just made him.

I eat my salad and grumble :)… its ok.. the onions and feta will get him later

We struggle him and I… really we do…

and yet, even in struggle… I still am thankful..greatful for him. For his laughter, for his calmness.. for the way he makes me mellow. For his compassion and understanding.. for him. For his acceptance of me when all around us judge… for loving me.. me.. exactly the way I am…


I dont take photos with him anymore.. the last three babies in rapid succession have taken their tole… I wear their scars.. sometimes not so proud.
I use to be pretty..
I use to be skinny…
I use to turn heads.
I am a mom now.. that is gone.
But when I feel the most like that, I still turn his head. He told me today that I looked more beautiful than I had in months…
I think he told me the same thing last week…
How on earth do I deserve him…. let alone how did I find him?

somewhere half way across the desert right?

the kids are screaming now as he tries in vain to watch something on tv…S pulled my tablet off my desk so know he is cleaning something red off the floor … I swear.. there is no down time here. the crying, the noise.. wow.

i yell.
he calms.
baby… it will be ok… it is ok………..
promise?
it doesnt feel ok….

Austyn just came in and said.. Im sorry I hurt your feelings.. it was a accccc se dent.
right, an accident.

why do they have to be cute when I am angry?

Austyn just said.. hey HEY… lets get out of this place… really NOW.. there are monsters… I need to go.. lets go… its time for bed.. lets go?
She is hilarious… I want to bottle her.

How can she say she is sorry when there are those that need to that dont? How can their world be so pure, so full in color when as adults life is so black and white?

Life is confusing… my gosh.
We all just try to get by, I am so very thankful that I have him by my side…
him and well all of our many children…



We are learning the walk.. the plan.. the dream… we are…. bumps.. yes… detours.. many.. laugh lines… o yeah…

we are trying to be good parents… and good to each other… and it is working

I cant tell you that some days I dont wish to be young again.. to chase leaves and to think all is right.. but I will say this….
I am busy making this my own.. I am busy making my family know wrong from right…. and I think we are all busy chasing Cinderella….. (of course she has so much to teach us)

She is one of many… teaching us the lessons that somehow along the way we missed. Thank you Cinderella…

Thank you Jerid.
xox

I remember when we moved here. Its burned in my brain, seared… imbedded. Every mile, every tear… every moment. I cant let it go. We drove out of California in the biggest snowstorm they had seen in a century…. inched our way over the pass….. white knuckled it to Carson City… our babies in the car, me gripping my moms hand…. our belongings right behind us. It was a long long trip. I wanted to turn around… pretend that I had forgot something big..
Our house was empty.. the floors had been scrubbed. The memories we had made there, the garden we tended.. the baby we brought home.. well… they would have to be memories…
we drove over the pass and I missed my porch.. I missed my friends….. I missed the seperation I knew we would never have again.

We pulled up to the house we live in now and I looked at my mom and I just cried. I didnt want this. Not now, not ever. I knew what this meant. I knew what living here meant… I knew what I would lose to live here…
But we were a family and we thought this was best…

I cried a lot.

A lot.

And I felt very alone.

We ripped up carpet that was older than me… we painted walls that I wish could tell stories. We moved furniture around… hung curtains.

I cried some more.

It sucked. I tried to be positive… think of the best… Make yummy dinners.. you know, try to be a good mom.. the whole thing.
I tried to make friends.
Smile, even when I felt like the odd man out.

I will be honest. I still want to go home. I miss my mom.. I miss my dad. Above all I miss my son. I miss being able to drive over to my parents house if I need them.. that is something I may never accept. I guess really there are lots of things.
We moved here and his hours were long and my tears were many… and I hid a lot. It was easier. It was safe.

But I love him.

And so we are here.

There are things about this new life that I do love… our homes old wood floors… the no stop light town… the little things… metropolis right?

the fact that this is the place that makes him happier than anywhere else in the world… that matters. The fact that we get close to this valley and I can see him relax.. see him smile. That is enough right?

I went to get my Utah drivers license yesterday… it was funny. When I think DMV… I think California DMV…. you know long lines…drama… headaches, people yelling.. kids screaming…

not the case here.

think…. card tables in the back of the library… $25.00 and an open book test and you too will have a Utah drivers license.

But dang it… I didnt want to give this up… not the weight on it.. or the sun tan.. or the address… but hello………its been nearly 3 years……

I think it was a big part of letting go.

You know, that and adding about 29 pounds to my weight… I mean we can bend that truth.. but hello…. what was on there before was a far far stretch…….

like a cut my left leg and o maybe my right arm off too stretch……….

funny.

So I took my test.. and passed and then gave my drivers license from Cali up. A right of passage.. yes…
a step.
yes.
regrets…
sure.
I think about it.

I drove home in Jerids truck with the dog in the back and giggled. The dash held a fishing pole, a binky, a coffee cup.. the floor held a rifle… one of the girls jackets.. some kid shoes.. what a mixture….

I caught my breath… and looked around. This was my happy.. this is my home. All of it. And dang it, I will own it. I will.

I came home to kids dirty in the yard.. to half strung Christmas lights… to chaos… that was my own… I came HOME




Another step…. another piece……..just more right?

its good to find me…. even if I took the long way around. Its good to be home.
its funny….
i have learned to let go..
my heart has found its home.

ok her maybe would cover many people, so let me not get ahead of myself…… we spent the day at the property today…one of our favorite places… a place we go to work.. to think… to decompress even.. the kids play.. not a fight was heard… we love it there. Someday we will spend everyday there… I will love that…
So today Makenna and I set out on the journey to get all the fabric boxes out and all the Christmas lights out… not a small task.. the storage is FULL… boxes had to be moved and opened and well it was a huge mess….

I moved box after box after box…. cardboard and plastic filled with the kids kindergarten paperwork…pictures for mom… my highschool memorabilla… you know.. boxes and boxes of it… it was overwhelming.. it always is. And then I saw it… a box labeled… Jerid good winter clothes….. Jerid good boots…. it wasnt my handwriting… or my moms or his….. it was hers. You know. His first wife… the one before me…. Her. And dang…. her writing honestly it got to me. I paused. I thought about her, about them about what they looked like together… no kids.. just them.. I let my mind go there… you know to the how was it.. what was it like…. if he loved her more… all that.. yep I went there. I wondered where she was, what she was like and why she had gone. I did. And then I silently thanked her……..

I kept moving boxes.

I found one labeled… “Mason good baby clothes” the writing once again wasnt mine.
It was his. You know, the husband I had before. The one before Jerid…. it honestly sucked to think about this all in one afternoon. I looked at the writing and was glad that I still didnt belong to it…. in some wierd way.
And yet. That is a part of my story…. we are all formed by the bits and pieces.. the parts… both good and bad. It is all part of it.
We are blended Jerid and I… we both have stories and pasts that some days I think we would both prefer to forget… but it each is a piece.
I kept thinking over and over in my head… thank you.. thank you… thank you……
there are no clean breaks…….. but thank you…….
See this is all mine now.. the good the bad…. the crazy….. I will take it….




I thought a bit about me today… about how sometimes life seems hard to me.. I talked to my dear friend L about how I can work on this… how I can step back and accept who I am and where I have been and then move on… it is a piece…
I am working on it, there is no such thing as perfect right…….
I tried to capture beauty today… to breathe it… to allow it…. I honestly did.



Love is a funny funny thing… you can love someone with all your heart and it can be wrong… I was telling a story today about decorating for Christmas… remembering a house I once lived in… a beautiful house with a big big picture window… a walkway.. two car garage.. picket fence… you know.. the house you dream about… I was telling my friend that I decorated it so perfectly for Christmas one year… villages, ribbon, homemade wreaths, tinsel, twinkling lights.. the whole works.. it was amazing… people came from all over town to see my home… to see the decorations.. it was incredible… they would walk up to the window and just smile… peer in… dream…. they were in awe.

I was the saddest I have ever been that Christmas… my divorce was filed that February….
I decorated because it was all I had. If my world sucked then I could at least make it look pretty right?

Most of that “stuff” is in boxes now… there is no room for it in this house we live in… there is no time for us to look pretty. And honestly we have way way too many kids that we would have to be telling NO NO to. The decorations will have to wait.
We will hang lights…. lots and lots of lights… and my sign that reads HOPE…. we will put out little stuff.. no crowds will gather.. but it will still be amazing.
We will thank them… we will thank eachother….
we will realize that we got the greatest gift of all.

And no matter the past… we have the now…….




It is far more than twinkling lights… then picket fences…. it all really boils down to commitment and promises….
o and being with the right person…
the one that is unwilling to take the easy road and walk away…
the one that you trust.. even when you dont trust yourself…
the one that makes you laugh until you cry.
you know.
the one.




my life is beautiful… I just have to remember to take the time to see…..

o and I know I have said it before…. but, thanks Jo………..