He made me laugh… really really hard… the kind of laughing that you love that makes you laugh for days… I love that about him, that and so many other things.
He is gracious and humble, he is strong and sincerely kind. He is amazing, in his 89 years I am sure he has seen so much. He is a wealth of knowledge, a sweet friend a wonderful man. Thank you thank you Don for humoring me in my photographic wonder… you are simply amazing and I love you.

His beautiful colt… who really needs a name

beauty… all around us. Promise not to tell Jerid… but I honestly love it here.. the beauty, the wonder, the way the light hits the grass.. the open land the mountains………… shhhhhhhh!!!!!

and sometimes photos just speak to me.. they ask to tell a story and they ask me to be their author.. I feel so humbled so blessed, so absolutely in awe….

think about this one, his hands…
imagine all that they have held.

I remember when we moved here. Its burned in my brain, seared… imbedded. Every mile, every tear… every moment. I cant let it go. We drove out of California in the biggest snowstorm they had seen in a century…. inched our way over the pass….. white knuckled it to Carson City… our babies in the car, me gripping my moms hand…. our belongings right behind us. It was a long long trip. I wanted to turn around… pretend that I had forgot something big..
Our house was empty.. the floors had been scrubbed. The memories we had made there, the garden we tended.. the baby we brought home.. well… they would have to be memories…
we drove over the pass and I missed my porch.. I missed my friends….. I missed the seperation I knew we would never have again.

We pulled up to the house we live in now and I looked at my mom and I just cried. I didnt want this. Not now, not ever. I knew what this meant. I knew what living here meant… I knew what I would lose to live here…
But we were a family and we thought this was best…

I cried a lot.

A lot.

And I felt very alone.

We ripped up carpet that was older than me… we painted walls that I wish could tell stories. We moved furniture around… hung curtains.

I cried some more.

It sucked. I tried to be positive… think of the best… Make yummy dinners.. you know, try to be a good mom.. the whole thing.
I tried to make friends.
Smile, even when I felt like the odd man out.

I will be honest. I still want to go home. I miss my mom.. I miss my dad. Above all I miss my son. I miss being able to drive over to my parents house if I need them.. that is something I may never accept. I guess really there are lots of things.
We moved here and his hours were long and my tears were many… and I hid a lot. It was easier. It was safe.

But I love him.

And so we are here.

There are things about this new life that I do love… our homes old wood floors… the no stop light town… the little things… metropolis right?

the fact that this is the place that makes him happier than anywhere else in the world… that matters. The fact that we get close to this valley and I can see him relax.. see him smile. That is enough right?

I went to get my Utah drivers license yesterday… it was funny. When I think DMV… I think California DMV…. you know long lines…drama… headaches, people yelling.. kids screaming…

not the case here.

think…. card tables in the back of the library… $25.00 and an open book test and you too will have a Utah drivers license.

But dang it… I didnt want to give this up… not the weight on it.. or the sun tan.. or the address… but hello………its been nearly 3 years……

I think it was a big part of letting go.

You know, that and adding about 29 pounds to my weight… I mean we can bend that truth.. but hello…. what was on there before was a far far stretch…….

like a cut my left leg and o maybe my right arm off too stretch……….

funny.

So I took my test.. and passed and then gave my drivers license from Cali up. A right of passage.. yes…
a step.
yes.
regrets…
sure.
I think about it.

I drove home in Jerids truck with the dog in the back and giggled. The dash held a fishing pole, a binky, a coffee cup.. the floor held a rifle… one of the girls jackets.. some kid shoes.. what a mixture….

I caught my breath… and looked around. This was my happy.. this is my home. All of it. And dang it, I will own it. I will.

I came home to kids dirty in the yard.. to half strung Christmas lights… to chaos… that was my own… I came HOME




Another step…. another piece……..just more right?

its good to find me…. even if I took the long way around. Its good to be home.
its funny….
i have learned to let go..
my heart has found its home.

thankful for regrets both big and small
thankful for days
long gone by
that turned to nights awake
alone pacing in too small apartments
pushing away dreams
too big for my shoes..
I am thankful..
for the sunflower kitchen,
that forced me to go
for the two lines, the fear
the promise of her
I am thankful.
For all the starts
incomplete
broken
the mistakes, bold… clear
the wild turkey
that chased me till I was blue..
the home
the white picket fence I tried to make…
to force
to steal..
I am thankful.
for the plan
I blinded myself to see
for the future yet to be held
I am thankful.
for the promise
of more
someday
oneday
somehow
I am thankful.

o and for the daughter of mine who listens when I say.. dont get into the bathtub you are dressed………..
I am thankful……..