I remember when we moved here. Its burned in my brain, seared… imbedded. Every mile, every tear… every moment. I cant let it go. We drove out of California in the biggest snowstorm they had seen in a century…. inched our way over the pass….. white knuckled it to Carson City… our babies in the car, me gripping my moms hand…. our belongings right behind us. It was a long long trip. I wanted to turn around… pretend that I had forgot something big..
Our house was empty.. the floors had been scrubbed. The memories we had made there, the garden we tended.. the baby we brought home.. well… they would have to be memories…
we drove over the pass and I missed my porch.. I missed my friends….. I missed the seperation I knew we would never have again.

We pulled up to the house we live in now and I looked at my mom and I just cried. I didnt want this. Not now, not ever. I knew what this meant. I knew what living here meant… I knew what I would lose to live here…
But we were a family and we thought this was best…

I cried a lot.

A lot.

And I felt very alone.

We ripped up carpet that was older than me… we painted walls that I wish could tell stories. We moved furniture around… hung curtains.

I cried some more.

It sucked. I tried to be positive… think of the best… Make yummy dinners.. you know, try to be a good mom.. the whole thing.
I tried to make friends.
Smile, even when I felt like the odd man out.

I will be honest. I still want to go home. I miss my mom.. I miss my dad. Above all I miss my son. I miss being able to drive over to my parents house if I need them.. that is something I may never accept. I guess really there are lots of things.
We moved here and his hours were long and my tears were many… and I hid a lot. It was easier. It was safe.

But I love him.

And so we are here.

There are things about this new life that I do love… our homes old wood floors… the no stop light town… the little things… metropolis right?

the fact that this is the place that makes him happier than anywhere else in the world… that matters. The fact that we get close to this valley and I can see him relax.. see him smile. That is enough right?

I went to get my Utah drivers license yesterday… it was funny. When I think DMV… I think California DMV…. you know long lines…drama… headaches, people yelling.. kids screaming…

not the case here.

think…. card tables in the back of the library… $25.00 and an open book test and you too will have a Utah drivers license.

But dang it… I didnt want to give this up… not the weight on it.. or the sun tan.. or the address… but hello………its been nearly 3 years……

I think it was a big part of letting go.

You know, that and adding about 29 pounds to my weight… I mean we can bend that truth.. but hello…. what was on there before was a far far stretch…….

like a cut my left leg and o maybe my right arm off too stretch……….

funny.

So I took my test.. and passed and then gave my drivers license from Cali up. A right of passage.. yes…
a step.
yes.
regrets…
sure.
I think about it.

I drove home in Jerids truck with the dog in the back and giggled. The dash held a fishing pole, a binky, a coffee cup.. the floor held a rifle… one of the girls jackets.. some kid shoes.. what a mixture….

I caught my breath… and looked around. This was my happy.. this is my home. All of it. And dang it, I will own it. I will.

I came home to kids dirty in the yard.. to half strung Christmas lights… to chaos… that was my own… I came HOME




Another step…. another piece……..just more right?

its good to find me…. even if I took the long way around. Its good to be home.
its funny….
i have learned to let go..
my heart has found its home.

ok her maybe would cover many people, so let me not get ahead of myself…… we spent the day at the property today…one of our favorite places… a place we go to work.. to think… to decompress even.. the kids play.. not a fight was heard… we love it there. Someday we will spend everyday there… I will love that…
So today Makenna and I set out on the journey to get all the fabric boxes out and all the Christmas lights out… not a small task.. the storage is FULL… boxes had to be moved and opened and well it was a huge mess….

I moved box after box after box…. cardboard and plastic filled with the kids kindergarten paperwork…pictures for mom… my highschool memorabilla… you know.. boxes and boxes of it… it was overwhelming.. it always is. And then I saw it… a box labeled… Jerid good winter clothes….. Jerid good boots…. it wasnt my handwriting… or my moms or his….. it was hers. You know. His first wife… the one before me…. Her. And dang…. her writing honestly it got to me. I paused. I thought about her, about them about what they looked like together… no kids.. just them.. I let my mind go there… you know to the how was it.. what was it like…. if he loved her more… all that.. yep I went there. I wondered where she was, what she was like and why she had gone. I did. And then I silently thanked her……..

I kept moving boxes.

I found one labeled… “Mason good baby clothes” the writing once again wasnt mine.
It was his. You know, the husband I had before. The one before Jerid…. it honestly sucked to think about this all in one afternoon. I looked at the writing and was glad that I still didnt belong to it…. in some wierd way.
And yet. That is a part of my story…. we are all formed by the bits and pieces.. the parts… both good and bad. It is all part of it.
We are blended Jerid and I… we both have stories and pasts that some days I think we would both prefer to forget… but it each is a piece.
I kept thinking over and over in my head… thank you.. thank you… thank you……
there are no clean breaks…….. but thank you…….
See this is all mine now.. the good the bad…. the crazy….. I will take it….




I thought a bit about me today… about how sometimes life seems hard to me.. I talked to my dear friend L about how I can work on this… how I can step back and accept who I am and where I have been and then move on… it is a piece…
I am working on it, there is no such thing as perfect right…….
I tried to capture beauty today… to breathe it… to allow it…. I honestly did.



Love is a funny funny thing… you can love someone with all your heart and it can be wrong… I was telling a story today about decorating for Christmas… remembering a house I once lived in… a beautiful house with a big big picture window… a walkway.. two car garage.. picket fence… you know.. the house you dream about… I was telling my friend that I decorated it so perfectly for Christmas one year… villages, ribbon, homemade wreaths, tinsel, twinkling lights.. the whole works.. it was amazing… people came from all over town to see my home… to see the decorations.. it was incredible… they would walk up to the window and just smile… peer in… dream…. they were in awe.

I was the saddest I have ever been that Christmas… my divorce was filed that February….
I decorated because it was all I had. If my world sucked then I could at least make it look pretty right?

Most of that “stuff” is in boxes now… there is no room for it in this house we live in… there is no time for us to look pretty. And honestly we have way way too many kids that we would have to be telling NO NO to. The decorations will have to wait.
We will hang lights…. lots and lots of lights… and my sign that reads HOPE…. we will put out little stuff.. no crowds will gather.. but it will still be amazing.
We will thank them… we will thank eachother….
we will realize that we got the greatest gift of all.

And no matter the past… we have the now…….




It is far more than twinkling lights… then picket fences…. it all really boils down to commitment and promises….
o and being with the right person…
the one that is unwilling to take the easy road and walk away…
the one that you trust.. even when you dont trust yourself…
the one that makes you laugh until you cry.
you know.
the one.




my life is beautiful… I just have to remember to take the time to see…..

o and I know I have said it before…. but, thanks Jo………..

Jerid and I fought tonight…. the yucky I dont want to be here anymore fights… you know the ones… the where is the door? Where is out? Why am I here? It was one of those… made even more perfect by the yelling and threats…. good times…. for sure.
One of those fights where life seems like a better plan somewhere else, anywhere else… just not here and for surely not the heck now. I can honestly say that I can count on one hand the times we have fought like that… I hate it.. it sucks…
Life is hard sometimes.. sometimes our dreams outweigh reality… sometimes the reality is much harder than originally planned… sometimes the crying, the bills, the lack of sleep… the juggling the organizing.. sometimes life.. well sometimes it smothers me. Sometimes I feel like I am stuck in Mayberry trying to figure it all out alone… sometimes.. somedays.. I hate that.. that is the honest truth.
And then I am reminded of just how precious life is. A shock really… a slap in the face perhaps… I was trying to find a photo of Jerid and I to put in this post and stumbled upon a folder of photos from last summer… when I drove to Idaho for a wedding and for a much too premature goodbye…

You see… one of my cousins was saying “I do” and another was saying goodbye…… it was so wrong and yet so right all at once. It was a conflict of emotions.. an assault on my heart. Mad.. happy… happy… sad…. pissed… and above all…
I was so mad at God.
Id be lying if I said I am over that… I am working on it.. but not over it. Its hard sometimes to trust him and to understand the bigger plan…
We are a society where we want to know right now what is going on and why it is what it is and what will happen tomorrow and if its not toooo tooo much to ask can I have a road map and some really good drinks for the trip??????????????

Really…. the uncertain scares me.

But I know this. I made vows. For better or worse…
I love him… someday this will all seem like a little blip.. right?????????
Sometimes it seems easier to walk (run) away… but dangit… look at the luggage I would have to pack for all of these kids… think about it.. the logistics… the drama…

I learned something when my two cousins were at such different crossroads in their lives…
and its funny we celebrated one’s journey and mourned the others… maybe we should have celebrated both?

they were nearly the same age…
it didnt seem fair but they were both starting a new and unique journey… they both knew it..
one was preparing for a husband and to have children…
the other was preparing to say goodbye to his…

I spoke to him nearly everyday for the next 6 weeks, sometimes many many times a day..I memorized his voice, his laughter… him
…I tried to make him hopeful, talked about warm beaches.. feeling good again… beating cancer… camping… dreaming… dancing…
you know the talks…
you have so much to live for…
look at your children….
we love you…
you will be ok…promise….

he is gone. but I try to remember these things everyday. Life is hard.. really stinking hard.. and most days a challenge that Id like to walk from. But honestly…

we have so much to live for….
look at my children….
i love him…..
we will be ok… promise…………

thank you so much Ben, for everything.. for it all…… I love and miss you so so much.

It is the sweet simple things of life which are the real ones…… after all.
Laura Ingles Wilder….

thankful for regrets both big and small
thankful for days
long gone by
that turned to nights awake
alone pacing in too small apartments
pushing away dreams
too big for my shoes..
I am thankful..
for the sunflower kitchen,
that forced me to go
for the two lines, the fear
the promise of her
I am thankful.
For all the starts
incomplete
broken
the mistakes, bold… clear
the wild turkey
that chased me till I was blue..
the home
the white picket fence I tried to make…
to force
to steal..
I am thankful.
for the plan
I blinded myself to see
for the future yet to be held
I am thankful.
for the promise
of more
someday
oneday
somehow
I am thankful.

o and for the daughter of mine who listens when I say.. dont get into the bathtub you are dressed………..
I am thankful……..