Boy teething is not going well at our house…. talk about misery (for everyone)….. McCall is cutting the top two front teeth right now and the poor guy just looks like he is in pain..  Just some quick snaps of him from yesterday… he is so fair I have resorted to tying a bandana to his head… he just pulls hats off as quick as I put them on… 

He is standing up on everything and very proud of himself

He is all boy…. spinning the wheels on the car and giggling!!!

he is just too cute for words….. but growing way tooooo fast… wasn’t there supposed to be some sort of break between crawling and getting into everything????

My o my Karlee do you know how much we all love you? Do you know how proud we are of you, how much potential that your little body possesses? We love to watch you dance, to see you soar and can only hope that the years ahead bring much of this……

I already know that they will…………….

You realize how amazing you are right? You realize that you deserve nothing but the best….You realize that you are one of a kind…
I hope you do and if you have questions………….
call me…
or send me some crazy text all in your lingo………
and I will remind you…
that you…………..yes YOU………are ONE of a kind………..
and that we all
think you are amazing………..
and we are all
sooooooooo
proud.

Its a little known wierd fact about Jerid and I……. sometimes he looks at me and just says jello. I know… you are thinking what? I must admit for the longest time I thought he was talking about my belly.. you know the jiggly part post 5 babies…. I would smile when he would say it… then feel hurt and then wonder just what on earth he was talking about… it was a vicious strange circle… and he kept saying it…

and I kept wondering why…..

He kept telling me… Kelly you know… think about it figure it out…

jello.
whatever Jerid…..

I finally figured it out tonight……one of my favorite movies is My Best Friends Wedding… if you’ve seen it you will remember the conversation between Kimmy and Julianne….

“He doesn’t want crème brûlée, he wants something else. … He wants Jell-O… Jell-O makes him comfortable.”
“I could be Jell-O.”
“No, crème brûlée could never be Jell-O.”

I am his Jello…. I am his comfortable… I am his safe. And as much as I would maybe like somedays to be crème brûlée I love nothing more than being his jello…………….

Austyn and Savanah dressed themselves this weekend……what a riot…..

We are still working like crazy on the house…. and its funny… the more we work on it the more I love it… Its one of those things…. it may not look like much from the outside looking in but from the inside looking out we are gaining on it. We are putting love in to each and every crooked wall that we work on and we are doing it together… And I would rather that any day over the perfect little house that is empty inside.

that and of course……
jello.

I feel lucky to have him.. I do. I dont know which stars aligned or who was in charge… (ok I do) but you know… I dont know why I deserve him…
Most days…. he keeps me sane… and as I write this at 10:52 pm he is entertaining the girls who are up WAY TOO LATE… and eating the cheese toasts I just made him.

I eat my salad and grumble :)… its ok.. the onions and feta will get him later

We struggle him and I… really we do…

and yet, even in struggle… I still am thankful..greatful for him. For his laughter, for his calmness.. for the way he makes me mellow. For his compassion and understanding.. for him. For his acceptance of me when all around us judge… for loving me.. me.. exactly the way I am…


I dont take photos with him anymore.. the last three babies in rapid succession have taken their tole… I wear their scars.. sometimes not so proud.
I use to be pretty..
I use to be skinny…
I use to turn heads.
I am a mom now.. that is gone.
But when I feel the most like that, I still turn his head. He told me today that I looked more beautiful than I had in months…
I think he told me the same thing last week…
How on earth do I deserve him…. let alone how did I find him?

somewhere half way across the desert right?

the kids are screaming now as he tries in vain to watch something on tv…S pulled my tablet off my desk so know he is cleaning something red off the floor … I swear.. there is no down time here. the crying, the noise.. wow.

i yell.
he calms.
baby… it will be ok… it is ok………..
promise?
it doesnt feel ok….

Austyn just came in and said.. Im sorry I hurt your feelings.. it was a accccc se dent.
right, an accident.

why do they have to be cute when I am angry?

Austyn just said.. hey HEY… lets get out of this place… really NOW.. there are monsters… I need to go.. lets go… its time for bed.. lets go?
She is hilarious… I want to bottle her.

How can she say she is sorry when there are those that need to that dont? How can their world be so pure, so full in color when as adults life is so black and white?

Life is confusing… my gosh.
We all just try to get by, I am so very thankful that I have him by my side…
him and well all of our many children…



We are learning the walk.. the plan.. the dream… we are…. bumps.. yes… detours.. many.. laugh lines… o yeah…

we are trying to be good parents… and good to each other… and it is working

I cant tell you that some days I dont wish to be young again.. to chase leaves and to think all is right.. but I will say this….
I am busy making this my own.. I am busy making my family know wrong from right…. and I think we are all busy chasing Cinderella….. (of course she has so much to teach us)

She is one of many… teaching us the lessons that somehow along the way we missed. Thank you Cinderella…

Thank you Jerid.
xox

ok her maybe would cover many people, so let me not get ahead of myself…… we spent the day at the property today…one of our favorite places… a place we go to work.. to think… to decompress even.. the kids play.. not a fight was heard… we love it there. Someday we will spend everyday there… I will love that…
So today Makenna and I set out on the journey to get all the fabric boxes out and all the Christmas lights out… not a small task.. the storage is FULL… boxes had to be moved and opened and well it was a huge mess….

I moved box after box after box…. cardboard and plastic filled with the kids kindergarten paperwork…pictures for mom… my highschool memorabilla… you know.. boxes and boxes of it… it was overwhelming.. it always is. And then I saw it… a box labeled… Jerid good winter clothes….. Jerid good boots…. it wasnt my handwriting… or my moms or his….. it was hers. You know. His first wife… the one before me…. Her. And dang…. her writing honestly it got to me. I paused. I thought about her, about them about what they looked like together… no kids.. just them.. I let my mind go there… you know to the how was it.. what was it like…. if he loved her more… all that.. yep I went there. I wondered where she was, what she was like and why she had gone. I did. And then I silently thanked her……..

I kept moving boxes.

I found one labeled… “Mason good baby clothes” the writing once again wasnt mine.
It was his. You know, the husband I had before. The one before Jerid…. it honestly sucked to think about this all in one afternoon. I looked at the writing and was glad that I still didnt belong to it…. in some wierd way.
And yet. That is a part of my story…. we are all formed by the bits and pieces.. the parts… both good and bad. It is all part of it.
We are blended Jerid and I… we both have stories and pasts that some days I think we would both prefer to forget… but it each is a piece.
I kept thinking over and over in my head… thank you.. thank you… thank you……
there are no clean breaks…….. but thank you…….
See this is all mine now.. the good the bad…. the crazy….. I will take it….




I thought a bit about me today… about how sometimes life seems hard to me.. I talked to my dear friend L about how I can work on this… how I can step back and accept who I am and where I have been and then move on… it is a piece…
I am working on it, there is no such thing as perfect right…….
I tried to capture beauty today… to breathe it… to allow it…. I honestly did.



Love is a funny funny thing… you can love someone with all your heart and it can be wrong… I was telling a story today about decorating for Christmas… remembering a house I once lived in… a beautiful house with a big big picture window… a walkway.. two car garage.. picket fence… you know.. the house you dream about… I was telling my friend that I decorated it so perfectly for Christmas one year… villages, ribbon, homemade wreaths, tinsel, twinkling lights.. the whole works.. it was amazing… people came from all over town to see my home… to see the decorations.. it was incredible… they would walk up to the window and just smile… peer in… dream…. they were in awe.

I was the saddest I have ever been that Christmas… my divorce was filed that February….
I decorated because it was all I had. If my world sucked then I could at least make it look pretty right?

Most of that “stuff” is in boxes now… there is no room for it in this house we live in… there is no time for us to look pretty. And honestly we have way way too many kids that we would have to be telling NO NO to. The decorations will have to wait.
We will hang lights…. lots and lots of lights… and my sign that reads HOPE…. we will put out little stuff.. no crowds will gather.. but it will still be amazing.
We will thank them… we will thank eachother….
we will realize that we got the greatest gift of all.

And no matter the past… we have the now…….




It is far more than twinkling lights… then picket fences…. it all really boils down to commitment and promises….
o and being with the right person…
the one that is unwilling to take the easy road and walk away…
the one that you trust.. even when you dont trust yourself…
the one that makes you laugh until you cry.
you know.
the one.




my life is beautiful… I just have to remember to take the time to see…..

o and I know I have said it before…. but, thanks Jo………..

Friday nights… funny… I still think football games.. dates… dressing up.. going out. Even tho my friday nights look like this these days……




We made my favorite cake tonight and it is sooooooo easy… I love it… and yes.. Austyn is cooking naked… lovely one.

Tres Leches
1/2 cup butter
1 cup sugar
5 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 1/2 cups flour
1 1/2 tsp baking powder

Heat oven to 350 degrees grease 13×9 baking pan… set aside. Beat butter and sugar together.. mix in eggs and vanilla by hand.. gradually add flour and baking powder.. cook for approx 30 minutes or until toothpick comes out clean….

Combine
1 cup milk
1 14oz can sweetened condensed milk
1 can evaporated milk

Pour over cake when you take it out of the oven… let cake come to room temperature and then chill for 4 hours….

topping…
mix 1 1/2 cup heavy whip cream
1/4 cup powder sugar
1/2 teaspoon vanilla

Im telling you this is ONE YUMMY CAKE!!!!!! Try it… you will love it!!!!! So after cake making it was bath time… and little McCall just loves his bath.. so I had to get some snaps of that.. he is getting so dang big….


Hey hey look……… are those toes???????????????????????????

Life is sweet… we just have to find it… and I think that these friday nights will hold many more memories than the ones of my youth…football games and dressing up are long gone.. its ok we are raising little people here you know

o and Bug…. I love you… take the bed if you need it…. its yours

Thank you for being such a good sport!!!! You make my job so easy See it wasnt that bad was it?

Jerid and I fought tonight…. the yucky I dont want to be here anymore fights… you know the ones… the where is the door? Where is out? Why am I here? It was one of those… made even more perfect by the yelling and threats…. good times…. for sure.
One of those fights where life seems like a better plan somewhere else, anywhere else… just not here and for surely not the heck now. I can honestly say that I can count on one hand the times we have fought like that… I hate it.. it sucks…
Life is hard sometimes.. sometimes our dreams outweigh reality… sometimes the reality is much harder than originally planned… sometimes the crying, the bills, the lack of sleep… the juggling the organizing.. sometimes life.. well sometimes it smothers me. Sometimes I feel like I am stuck in Mayberry trying to figure it all out alone… sometimes.. somedays.. I hate that.. that is the honest truth.
And then I am reminded of just how precious life is. A shock really… a slap in the face perhaps… I was trying to find a photo of Jerid and I to put in this post and stumbled upon a folder of photos from last summer… when I drove to Idaho for a wedding and for a much too premature goodbye…

You see… one of my cousins was saying “I do” and another was saying goodbye…… it was so wrong and yet so right all at once. It was a conflict of emotions.. an assault on my heart. Mad.. happy… happy… sad…. pissed… and above all…
I was so mad at God.
Id be lying if I said I am over that… I am working on it.. but not over it. Its hard sometimes to trust him and to understand the bigger plan…
We are a society where we want to know right now what is going on and why it is what it is and what will happen tomorrow and if its not toooo tooo much to ask can I have a road map and some really good drinks for the trip??????????????

Really…. the uncertain scares me.

But I know this. I made vows. For better or worse…
I love him… someday this will all seem like a little blip.. right?????????
Sometimes it seems easier to walk (run) away… but dangit… look at the luggage I would have to pack for all of these kids… think about it.. the logistics… the drama…

I learned something when my two cousins were at such different crossroads in their lives…
and its funny we celebrated one’s journey and mourned the others… maybe we should have celebrated both?

they were nearly the same age…
it didnt seem fair but they were both starting a new and unique journey… they both knew it..
one was preparing for a husband and to have children…
the other was preparing to say goodbye to his…

I spoke to him nearly everyday for the next 6 weeks, sometimes many many times a day..I memorized his voice, his laughter… him
…I tried to make him hopeful, talked about warm beaches.. feeling good again… beating cancer… camping… dreaming… dancing…
you know the talks…
you have so much to live for…
look at your children….
we love you…
you will be ok…promise….

he is gone. but I try to remember these things everyday. Life is hard.. really stinking hard.. and most days a challenge that Id like to walk from. But honestly…

we have so much to live for….
look at my children….
i love him…..
we will be ok… promise…………

thank you so much Ben, for everything.. for it all…… I love and miss you so so much.

It is the sweet simple things of life which are the real ones…… after all.
Laura Ingles Wilder….

Ok especially that Austyn didnt really bite McCall…. what a morning….

I spent all day today thinking about what to be thankful for, you know while I was doing the chasing… yelling… momming stuff… … all day……. seriously… and then I felt like I let myself down.. how on earth can it be so hard to find something to be thankful for. Was I overthinking it… overlooking it… where was it? Can it be just the simple things?
Austyn woke up this morning with a dry pullup… I was so happy I danced… honestly.. you should have seen it.. the mommy with bedhead & pj’s on dance… it was a sight… she was pleased, I made her giggle… I was thankful. Papa bear came and fixed our new sink so it wouldnt leak… I got to wash the millions of dishes that were stacking up all weekend long… I was thankful. (honest I was) I got almost caught up on editing… my headache wasnt too too bad today and I got to lay in the bath and hear the sound of rain (ok over the babies crying in the other room with dad) but anyway… I was thankful…
Jerid, M & A went to dinner tonight and I stayed home with my headache and with miss Grace and McCall…. After McCall got over his screaming fit and fell asleep I got to spend some time with the little missy…..
grace….. NOUN:
1. Seemingly effortless beauty or charm of movement, form, or proportion.

um yeah……. right.
This child, well everyday is something new with her. Something wild.. something (or many things) that make me shake my head. She is a whole new and improved form of crazy and most days I just try to survive.
She found the powder tonight… I was wondering why she was being so quiet………..
found it… wore it… squoze it… all over the stinking house… honestly right at that moment I was thankful we dont have carpet…. I quickly assessed the damage, grabbed my camera and began to clean the mess….



She kept saying uh oh…uh oh….uh oh…. powwwwwda… yes miss Grace… powder… honestly…



We headed off to the kitchen sink, moved aside some dishes and took a quick bath…. all told we both got a good giggle out of it. She is feisty… she is busy…. and teeny tiny and bold… She makes me run, as they all do… but honestly… I am forever thankful for her… and greatful she is mine…
I wouldnt have it any other way….