I have never felt this….

this complete love, this complete satisfaction from a session.

I have never witnessed this..this joy..this purity….this love….

to say I am happy is not enough, to say I am proud….. it just doesn’t do the trick….

I am so thankful to have witnessed this union………..and I know that I will never be the same………

When I flew to Oregon to shoot this wedding I have never been sicker…. when I flew home I have never been so proud……

how amazing is that……..

it was a reminder that I do what I do because I get to witness this…..

Hands down in my top 4 photos ever…………….

thank you S & K….. your love will surely remind  me.  Your day was bliss, thank you for letting me tag along!

xoxo

Kelly

Well he is my tattoo artist so of course I think he is pretty amazing….

but then I saw him as a dad, and well I was truly amazed.  K you are not only an amazing artist but you are a dad who should be proud….. Little man “N” is a doll…. what a sweet little guy… thanks for the fun afternoon…. see you soon!!!

what an amazing day that I feel so blessed to have been a part of… may your life together be wonderful.

An amazing family…. beautiful friends!  I can’t believe how quick the kids are growing up….. time flys…

Tomorrow is the last day you will be one.  And more than that tomorrow is the last day I will have anyone, anybaby… anybody that will be one.  You  are the last you know… the finale… the one who……… um sealed the deal………

I remember finding out about you…

and then I had kiddos……… 11,9,2,1………….

it was the last two that scared me… you would make 3 in 33 months………. your dad and I were crazy.

Everyone wanted a boy………I wanted you to be healthy………daddy didn’t care.

I wanted to be done being pregnant.

I wanted you.

You were born early… just as the ones before you were…..

my body was done and so it was your time.

You were itty bitty,

bare.

And you  completed us.

In a way I never knew possible.

I love you my little man…

with eyes of blue.

We sang godspeed on the way to have you………………you

you are dancing to it now in the kitchen.

Humming to the tune.

You look at me and say “I do”

which means hold me Mama…….

and I will…

and I will watch you dance with your sisters…….

and I will know I needed you……..

each and every little ounce of you.

Before I knew I did.

Your love of tractors……..

your smile…

you…

Mr. McCall……….

I love you baby… we all do.

thank you baby.

thank you.

**** Kim***  please contact me via email at kellybennettphotography@yahoo.com to schedule your session!  Thanks so much to everyone who entered!!!!!  Now to order some prints

Beautiful girl you are growing up way too fast… I am so proud of you… you are becoming such an amazing young woman!!!

beautiful faces that I am counting down the days to see……. I hope to get smothered by loves and hugs and “I wants” and “no”.  I hope to enjoy, savor even every single second with them and never forget just how much I have been missing them.  I hope that the distance and time has made the love I have for them grow….altho Im not sure that is possible…..

I am looking so forward to the chaos…MY chaos…..

and counting the seconds till I see their little faces…..

i love them so…

(billy joel)

In every heart there is a room 
A sanctuary safe and strong 
To heal the wounds from lovers past 
Until a new one comes along 

I spoke to you in cautious tones 
You answered me with no pretense 
And still I feel I said too much 
My silence is my self defense 

And every time I’ve held a rose 
It seems I only felt the thorns 
And so it goes, and so it goes 
And so will you soon I suppose 

But if my silence made you leave 
Then that would be my worst mistake 
So I will share this room with you 
And you can have this heart to break 

And this is why my eyes are closed 
It’s just as well for all I’ve seen 
And so it goes, and so it goes 
And you’re the only one who knows 

So I would choose to be with you 
That’s if the choice were mine to make 
But you can make decisions too 
And you can have this heart to break 

And so it goes, and so it goes 
And you’re the only one who knows. 

its the last song i sang to him… i remember 

in my 15 year old mind

thinking 
if i sang on tune

it may fix him.

of course we sat in their favorite motorhome and waited

for an answer

but got the ending.

i have spent so many hours, filing thru photographs

hiding from myself….

searching thru

paper form of memories

i never knew i had.

pictures

of times and things

long gone

waiting, sitting quietly

in perfect form

for their second coming.

and so I sift…..

in its most painstaking form….

rip off her name

and category it.

memories that happened before me

but formed me…..

her pregnant with the idea of me..

him as a hippie….

grandpa checking to see if I was ok….

all of it…

and then my smiling face

and the emergence of my children….

toe heads

looking and fearing like me…

one by one…

till many.

and i sit here still…..

sorting confused….

ordering medicine…

reading blood counts…

calling doctors….

trying to fix it…

understand it…

trying to make it all go so far away…..

and in its most pure form…

trying to understand that it is all a part….

each tiny little moment…

the scary

the happy

the amazing

the fear..

it all is….

even the memories on paper that i am missing….

tangible little moments

sent in the most sterile text message form…

that both create and

ultimately change

exactly who we are…..

I have always struggled with trying to keep my blog “professional” while still including photos and words about my family and such.  It is a personal struggle for me, that nagging question… echoing…. “really Kelly how much do they want to know?”  And Im not sure the answer to that… but I know that I am the person, the mom, the wife, the friend, the daughter, the granddaughter that I am today because of all of my experiences… both good and bad.  Experiences both joyful and scary.

And I am going to be honest… I am scared right now.

I have pretty much been out in California since the beginning of March.  The first six weeks with the kids, the last two weeks without.  I went home for about ten days squeezed in some much needed creativity (ie. sessions) and drove back.

And I sit here right now in my Meme’s silent house as she sleeps and I remember that I forgot what silence sounds like.

I miss the chatter….

and I forgot how scary cancer can be…..

I miss so many things, and my calendar is crazy (don’t worry I am scheduling Utah sessions the month of June) and most days.. I don’t even know what day it is.

But I know that I love her….and I know that right now I am right where I am supposed to be.

And one thing I won’t fear anymore is my words…. or the way that they come out…. 

even if it sounds jumbily or makes no sense to anyone but me.

because this is what it looks like right now… and scared or not…

it is.

the dogs clink their chains

at the end of the bed

and it comforts you,

and makes me crazy.

I lay with you

and a tear

slowly falls down my face

traces the lines of of me and then

plummets.

I watch you sleep

and want to shake you.

I want everyone to stop asking you if you are ok…

you are not.

We walk shaky like to the bathroom

and I think you are the baby bird

in “are you my mother”.

I want to pick you up..

I want to make you ok.

We cover you with more blankets than time

and it scares me.

We shuttle you to the poison

that will “fix” it and kill you

and i want a rewind.

I wake at night sweaty,

I hear her yelling my name.

My dream is still fresh in my mind

as I help you to bed..

I am wearing my black sheep costume

the one that is too small….

i am hiding in the corner, shaking and alone.

I am clutching 27 dollars in my hand

but feel so poor.

We watch old movies together

excessively loud

and you make up new words

that make us all laugh.

we sit hushed in hiding

and everyone talks way too much

about all that we fear,

and losing control.

Our words drop out of our mouths

in suffocating form

and we trade them around.

I sit in the backseat of your beloved

and wonder if you ever named her

and just how in the hell

we will get you into treatment today.

Mom drives

braver than she has ever been

wipes her tears

before they are visable

and tells me

this is all normal.

I want to corner your doctor

the one younger than my 34 years

i want to beg her

so many things

i want to have the conversations

that i play over and over in my head.

instead

i will just sit with you

buy a colander

rearrange the tupperware 33 times

rid the house of unseen lint.

i will take you for walks

push you up hills

i didn’t know i could climb.

i will listen to you

absorb each and every sound you make

and play you 8 tracks all night long.

i will let you call me Gordy and Bob

and cherish it even in my fear

i will make you chicken strips

and beg you

to please stay.